By Professor Dr. Mr. Glosherberg
INT. Post Office – Day
[Professor Glosherberg is shipping a questionable package through the US Postal Service. There is no accurate description of professor Glosherberg, he is a human enigma. The initial postal worker does not care for his job, but his supervisor is very dedicated to his craft]
Hello Post Officer.
(Throws body bag on the counter with great effort)
Hello Sir, how may I help you today?
(Visibly confused, slightly scared)
This is for my motha!
(With zeal, slaps rear of body bag; continues to rub rear throughout the scene)
I think you’re gonna need some stamps for this
Ah, yeah! I feel ya! Slap that baby on the scale
I don’t think that your… package is going to fit on the scale
My mother lives in Phoenix ya know!
Uhhh… Let me grab my supervisor
(Postal Worker leaves… comes back with the supervisor)
(A bureaucratic man in a suit who looks condescendingly at Glosherberg. Turns to POSTAL WORKER)
Thank you, Neil, I will take it from here.
(Neil Leaves Returns to his Computer)
(Turning to GLOSHERBERG)
Hello sir, I am Thorton Henderson Reginald-Fairbanks Childs IV, a seventh-generation postmaster of the greater Weehawken area. How, sir, may I be of assistance?
I’m mailing this to my motha!
Very good sir. To your mother you say?
Uh-huh, she lives in Phoenix, near the University
Very good sir. I myself am a graduate of the Harvard School of the Postal Sciences. Mail deo paria. Mail, God, and country son, in that order.
(Walks from behind the counter and approaches the audience)
Mail deo et paria. Mail deo et paria. A nation without mail is not a nation. There is a reason, you see, that the postal service can be found in our Constitution. A nation, my boy, without the mail is a nation without laws, without order, without liberty. My God man, why did Rome fall? For want of mail! For when the roads did clutter with the discarded armor of the barbarian mercenaries hired to defend in her dying gasps the far-flung extensions of her then benighted empire, it prevented those brave couriers from their rounds.
For want of the mail, Rome failed.
Mail makes the world turn! It is all that stands between man and beast, between the divine and the base. You, sir, see before you the pinnacle of human advancement, the post office! Man’s temple to his own greatness. By God’s grace alone do we enjoy the fruits of our postal prosperity. We are a society within a society, a band of brothers who have served as a great connection across space and time. We stand with Herodotus, who said in that creed we all now know…
(a legion of postal workers emerge and create a phalanx behind the SUPERVISOR. The lights dim.)
ALL THE POSTAL WORKERS, IN UNISON
“Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from their appointed routes”.
(Light shines brightly on the face of the SUPERVISOR. Prolonged pause)
(softly and emotionally)
Mail deo paria…
(Returns behind the counter, lights go up, Neil returns to the computer, extra postal workers exit the stage to the left and right)
You were saying something about a package?
Actually, it’s a letter!
(Plops large book on the counter, flips through quickly)
May I draw your attention to the Electronic Code of Federal Regulations, e-CFR, which states in Chapter I, subchapter E, part 310, section 310.1 Definitions, which notes of letters that the term shall not be construed to refer to “(i) objects the material or shape and design of which make them valuable or useful for purposes other than as media for long-distance communications unless they are actually used as media for personal and business correspondence, and (ii) outsized, rigid objects not capable of enclosure in envelopes, sacks, boxes or other containers commonly used to transmit letters or packets of letters.”
Ah, but sir, if you turn your attention to paragraph a(3) of the same code, you will note that it is in fact a letter under the definition of a selective delivery plan.
(Supervisor flipping through the book, looking for this section)
Ah, very good sir, you are quite correct. We are now obligated to weigh it, to ascertain how many postage stamps are required for the proper shipping and handling.
Slap that baby on there!
(slaps rear aggressively)
My good sir, I am delighted by your enthusiasm for the postal arts. What are you mailing today?
It’s a… a life-size Ralph Macchio doll
(The initial postal worker comes back)
Hey, hey… Ralph Macchio is 5’9” that doll is at least 6’1” you’re not fooling me, buddy!
Is this true my good sir?
(Shocked and appalled)
Alright, alright, you got me, it’s not just any Ralph Macchio doll. It’s Ralph Macchio… as a lady, those extra inches are the high heels
Well, we still have to weigh it
(struggles to get doll on the scale, eventually gets it on)
Not to worry, sir I was able to get a reading of the weight in time. It weighed 140 pounds, which exceeds the limit for a letter by 3 ounces… and 139 pounds.
But what if I told you I have two stamps?
(Aggressively slaps a smiley face stamp on the rear of bodybag, tenderly places the second next to thefirst)
That is insufficient sir
Fine, I will take my business elsewhere
It is your loss
(Glosherberg hauls body bag over his shoulder and walks off scene)
-End Scene 1-
INT. Car – Mid-day
[Glosherberg is driving with the body bag in the passenger’s seat.]
Well, buddy, we’re going to Arizona!
[Weird Al Yankovic’s “Amish Paradise” plays in the background. Glosherberg is bobbing his head up and down in rhythm with the music. The camera pans to a white guy (preferably Steve Buscemi type) with the Coolio haircut. He is driving in an inner-city neighborhood; the camera pans to a sign that says “This Way to Inner City Amish Community.”
(Rubs leg of body bag)
Maybe we can pick up some butter for the trip.
Greetings readers. The saga of Professor Dr. Mr. Glosherberg was written by six Saint Mike’s students working alongside their favorite professor. This being said, the original format was that of a screenplay, and therefore will include some (hopefully) humorous additions to the mere text. This will be the first of multiple installations of the Glosherberg Files. We hope you enjoy!