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The Glosherberg Files (Scene 2)

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By Glosherberg Associates

Contributing Writers

INT. Restaurant – Night

[Glosherberg enters the Hard Rock Cafe in Pope County, Arkansas. For some reason, Glosherberg thinks it’s a bar and this HRC doesn’t serve alcohol. The bar is still Nashville, TN themed. (Big Elvis vibes) The body bag is already sitting down at the bar, it has an Elvis tux and wig. Glosherberg walks in and sits down next to it.]

GLOSHERBERG
(Turns to body bag)
You come here often?

[Camera turns to the body bag and waits for a response… there is no response]

BARTENDER
(confused but not shaken. He is a weathered man.)
What can I get for ya, sir?

GLOSHERBERG
(Fully confident that this sounds right)
I’ll have a Piña Colada, hold the pastrami.

[slaps down Legoland card]

BARTENDER
First off, this is a Legoland card that expired in 2003. Secondly, we still recognize the 18th amendment, this is a non-alcoholic Hard Rock Cafe.

GLOSHERBERG
(Reaches into the body bag for a bottle of Merlot)
Fine, I’ll just serve myself.

[Steve Harvey enters and sits down next to Glosherberg]

(Stunned by his beauty)
Say, what’s a good looking woman like you doing in a place like this?

STEVE HARVEY
(In Family Feud voice)
Survey says… my wife left me and I’m drowning my sorrows.
(Steve Harvey is drinking from one of the school cartons of milk)

GLOSHERBERG
Marital problems? Boy, do I know about that. But anyways, how are you going to spend this fine Arkansas evening?

STEVE HARVEY
Look buddy, I think you’re a little confused

GLOSHERBERG
Oh I’m not confused at all, I know exactly what I want

STEVE HARVEY
I think you’ve had a little too much to drink there (points at wine)

GLOSHERBERG
Oh, this? This isn’t wine, this is just fermented Flavor Aid that sat in my basement for four years

BARTENDER
(Leans in while washing a glass; with a cheery voice)
Fun Fact: They actually drank Flavor Aid at Jonestown, not Kool-Aid

GLOSHERBERG
(Realizing he has to go to the bathroom)
Oh boy, this showerhead’s about to burst. I’ll be back sweetheart.
(Glosherberg hurries off to the bathroom)

STEVE HARVEY
(sounding defeated by life)
Randy, I think you’re gonna need to bring out the real stuff

BARTENDER
You got it, boss. (Puts down eggnog at the bar)

-End Scene 8-
INT. Hard Rock Cafe Bathroom
[Glosherberg is in the bathroom at the dry Hard Rock Cafe. It is a very nice and well-kept water closet. There is Francisco de Goya’s “Saturn devouring his son” located in the restroom. Glosherberg is in a stall and the painting is located on the ceiling]

GLOSHERBERG
(looking at the painting)
Gee, that’s depressing even for me… man, I miss my son.

[Glosherberg gets a phone call]

Who could this be? It’s my son. (apathetic) Ugh, maybe later.

[Glosherberg listens to message that his son for him]

GLOSHERBERG’S SON (GLOSHIE Jr.)
Hey Fatha, it’s Gloshie Jr. (Junior pronounced Junia) I was just calling to let you know that my butter’s gone missing again. And I bought the big two-pound bucket. I would’ve gone to the next aisle for the four-pound container, but some people were wearing masks and staring at me every time I sneezed. I was like, “jeez, ever seen a guy with allergies before?” Anyway, I just wanted to keep you updated on the butter situation. Also, I thought you should know that I’m getting hitched in a couple of minutes, she’s really into the postal service, one of those Reginald – Fairbanks Childs types. Alright dad, have fun visiting grandma, love ya.

GLOSHERBERG
Jeez, what a kiss-ass, just like his old man

[Glosherberg looks up at the ceiling]

I wonder if de Goya had daddy issues (proceeds to flush toilet)

[Steve Harvey walks into the restroom, looking for Glosherberg]

STEVE HARVEY
Hey buddy, are you in here?

[The shot focuses on Harvey as you can audibly hear Glosherberg continuously flushing the toilet and saying “courtesy flush” each time. Glosherberg exits the restroom.]

GLOSHERBERG
(surprised and touched)
You followed me into a men’s bathroom? This must’ve been exactly how the Beatles felt

STEVE HARVEY
Look, man, I just came in here to tell you that I am a man. I have a mustache, I have a bald head, I am a guy!

GLOSHERBERG
(excited)
I know, you remind me of my mother!

STEVE HARVEY
(frustrated)
Also, I don’t know how you haven’t picked up on the fact that I’m Steve Harvey. You know, the guy on Family Feud, I have a talk show, I’m always on morning television.

GLOSHERBERG
Oh, I thought you looked more like Oprah than Steve Harvey but I guess it’s up to you who you resemble ma’am.

STEVE HARVEY
(angrily, but still smiling, walking towards Glosherberg)
Son, I’ll have you know that I was an autoworker, an insurance salesman, a mailman, a carpet cleaner, a nurse and a boxer. (raises eyebrows at Glosherberg)
GLOSHERBERG
(intimidated, now backed up against the wall)
Di- D- Did you say you were a mailman?

STEVE HARVEY
(stops in his tracks)
Son, do you mean to tell me that you are more scared of the fact that I carried postage than that I could knock you out with one punch?

GLOSHERBERG
(Feeling more confident)
One woman doesn’t scare me, Oprah, I’m only scared of the federal government. Ya know, that Mail deo et paria stuff and all that crap.

STEVE HARVEY
(Squinting and pointing his finger)
Who told you the postman’s code?

GLOSHERBERG
(standing up for himself)
I’ll never tell you, you dirty nurse.

[Glosherberg runs back into the stall and tries to army crawl towards the exit. But Harvey catches him and they start to fight, but neither of them is particularly good at fighting.]

[During the fight Glosherberg turns on a faucet and throws water at Harvey]

STEVE HARVEY
Jokes on you, I don’t have hair.W

GLOSHERBERG
What? Wh- huh?
[Steve Harvey attempts to smash Glosherberg over the head with a toilet bowl cover, but it was the toilet seat and has no effect]

This look reminds me of the tux I wore to my fourth wedding.

[Glosherberg grabs a guitar hero style guitar off the wall of the bathroom and starts trying to play it. The Family Feud theme starts to play. Glosherberg thinks of the sweep the leg moment from Karate Kid]

GLOSHERBERG
This is for you Ralph Macchio
{He uses the guitar to sweep Harvey’s legs and make him fall to the floor]

[Glosherberg throws a guitar at the mirror and scurries off, taking the guitar pick with him(pausing very quickly in a sort of oh cool, a guitar pick, sort of moment)

[Glosherberg does the mime-style stair walk towards the exit, except he is just doing it in the middle of the restaurant,he becomes greatly confused]

GLOSHERBERG
(Panicking)
How do you get out of this maze?

-End Scene 3-

INT. Car – Night

[A hooded figure (Looks a bit like the emperor from Star Wars) and Steve Harvey are sitting across from each other in a moving limousine]

POSTAL LEADER (hooded figure)
[In a deep voice, clearly altered]
Is he taken care of?

STEVE HARVEY
He got away sir.

POSTAL LEADER
(Enraged)
What?! How could this happen? You were supposed to stop him!

STEVE HARVEY
Sir he’s not like anybody we’ve dealt with before. He knows the code.

POSTAL LEADER
(In a devious manner)
Well, Steve, looks like the Feud is getting another 5 seasons.

STEVE HARVEY
(scared)
No, you can’t do this! You don’t know what it’s like out there. They make me conduct the surveys. Did you know that I had to stand outside a Kroger and ask people what their favorite place to “get it on was”? I was pepper-sprayed 97 TIMES.

Greetings again faithful readers! Thank you for reading another thrilling chapter in the Glosherberg saga! Will Glosherberg reconnect with his son? What does the Postal Service planning? What is my favorite color? Maybe all will be revealed next issue! Maybe not though! I guess your just going to have to keep reading to find out!

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