By The Glosherberg Associates
Contributing Writers
[Glosherberg ends up in the bayou of the rural south. He was attempting to go to Disneyworld to witness the man choking the chicken in the “It’s a Small World” ride.]
GLOSHERBERG
(Surveying an armada of airboats and a rickety wooden building displaying a sign that has in brightly painted red letters, “Tour at your own risk! Crocodiles in the river.”)
Wow, Disney sure looks a lot different than it did during the Nixon Administration.
FISHERMAN
(Confused/concerned) Are you lost, sir?
GLOSHERBERG
(Enthusiastic)
What’s up my matzo ball? I see they’re pulling out all the stops for Ol’ Gloshie. I can tell that you’re clearly supposed to be Goofy from the fishing scene in A Goofy Movie (1995).
FISHERMAN
(Shocked)
That film inspired me to become a fisherman(snaps back to reality). But that’s beside the point. This isn’t Disney World sir and as much as I appreciate your enthusiasm for the Nixon administration, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
GLOSHERBERG
But I thought this was supposed to be the happiest place on earth! Oooh, what’s that giant fan thingy over there?
FISHERMAN
No, wait! Don’t touch that!
GLOSHERBERG
[With the body bag, making his way onto the airboat, speaking in a conversational tone seemingly unaware of the growing panic of Jimbo the Fisherman]
Ya know, I was able to escape the war on one of these things. [He notices a basket of oranges on the boat and gets distracted by them] Ooh, sustenance!
(He throws the body bag out of his arms, it hits the lever to start the engine).
Welp looks like the ride’s starting. [As the airboat speeds down the river, you can hear Glosherberg yell out to the fisherman and wave goodbye] See ya, Jimbo!
[The camera switches to a new shot of Glosherberg going down the river on the airboat]
GLOSHERBERG
I was also able to leave a girl at the altar with one of these bad boys (Smacks the engine and it begins to stall). Come on Susie, don’t die on me again!
[the engine continues to sputter and eventually goes out with a loud gunshot-like pop]
GLOSHERBERG
(Unfazed)
Well, it isn’t the first time something has died on my watch. [Glosherberg pulls out some of his Amish butter stash] It’s a good thing I always come prepared.
[As Glosherberg eats his butter, he nudges the body bag and it slowly begins to fall into the water. He notices this too late and it falls in before he can catch it. Glosherberg dives into the swamp to go after the body bag. As he bobs up from the water, you can see crocodiles approaching, he believes them to be alligators.]
GLOSHERBERG
I haven’t dived into the water like that since I was caught trespassing on the set of the Godfather II.[Glosherberg notices the crocodiles and talks to them like they were dogs] Come here, buddy! Who’s a good boy? Who wants some butter? Fresh from the churn!
[Glosherberg proceeds to toss an entire stick of butter into the water, to which the crocodiles swarm]
GLOSHERBERG
[to bodybag] See, I told ya I’m an alligator whisperer, but no, you didn’t
believe me! See, now it’s perfectly safe for me to go fix ol’ Susie.
[Glosherberg proceeds to jump into the water and begins swimming towards the engine. Slowly the crocodiles begin to swim towards Glosherberg as he hums the opening riff of Under Pressure to himself while fixing the engine with a guitar pick, which he got from the Hard Rock Cafe.]
GLOSHERBERG
Oh, uh hey guys you’re all getting a bit close here! You know my motto when it comes to alligators, it’s the same as the one for my 4th wife. “Near me, but not too close” and right now you’re violating the terms of my restraining order.
[a crocodile swims up really close and snaps at Glosherberg’s hand, causing him to drop the guitar pick]
GLOSHERBERG
Yowza, what’s the big idea, ya could’ve hurt somebody! That was a priceless guitar pick from the bathroom of the only dry bar south of the Mississippi! Hey wait a minute, alligators love the hard rock cafe! You’re no gators, you must be… crocodiles!
[Glosherberg realizes that he has made a big mistake]
GLOSHERBERG
[Glosherberg grabs the body bag and begins to swim away with it very weakly because it is slowing him down] Yeah you told me so you don’t need to brag about it. [Glosherberg successfully maneuvers himself and the body bag back to the airboat. He hurls the body bag on first before struggling to climb up onto the deck. With his arms shaking, he gets up onto the deck. He then falls back, arms sprawled out, and sighs in relief.]
[The camera cuts to Glosherberg sitting on the airboat with his legs hanging over the water.]
GLOSHERBERG
Welp Disneyworld hasn’t changed much since the first time. (He stretches his arms out and takes a deep breath) Boy, all those crocodiles pretending to be alligators sure made me thirsty. [He cups his hands and takes a big swig of swamp water, he quickly passes out.]
-End Scene 12-
[Glosherberg is seen lying unconscious on his stomach on the airboat. There is a Do Not Disturb sign on his back. He wakes up with a jolt, sending the sign onto the body bag, which is lying right next to him, with a dull thunk sound, and asks “where am I?” the camera does a sweeping shot that revolves around Glosherberg.]
GLOSHERBERG
Oh, still here. Phew, thought I got abducted by those Russian fellas again
CHARLIE THE TUNA
You sure are boss! Right here in FloridAY USA! (Charlie rhymes Florida with USA because he can)
GLOSHERBERG
(Confused) Uncle Marvin is that you?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
No Marvin. But if you see him, tell ‘em Charlie sent ya! (winks)
GLOSHERBERG
Well if you’re not Starvin Marvin, then who are you?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
(Deadpan) I’m Charlie the Tuna. I told you “tell ‘em Charlie sent ya!” I’m wearing the red beret, as is my right as a British paratrooper of the 509th infantry battalion, I have glasses. I am a tuna. How have you not connected the dots?
GLOSHERBERG
I’m sorry to inform you Charles but I only get my tuna from the one and only Lake Chaubunagungamaug of Webster, Massachusetts. But why are you here in the first place?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
Well Glosherberg, if I may call you that, it appears that you have consumed an unholy amount of swamp water on your trip to “Disneyworld” (does air quotes). And currently, you are experiencing extreme hallucinations. Like that time you tried to drink out of the magic 8-ball on your 8th birthday.
GLOSHERBERG
How do you know about my childhood you creepy pescatarian?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
Gloshie, not only am I a hallucination. I am the metaphysical embodiment of your entire childhood.
GLOSHERBERG
So you remember the war?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
British paratrooper of the 509th infantry battalion Gloshie, pay attention!!!
GLOSHERBERG
But that wasn’t our war
CHARLIE THE TUNA
We don’t talk about our war Gloshie remember?
[Flashbang noise occurs and the screen gradually whitens and fades. When it fades, Charlie the Tuna is dressed in the paramilitary outfit of the Dunkirk era British, and is swimming with a battalion of other random fish towards an unseeable threat][this whole scene is a cartoon, all but Glosherberg are cartoons
CHARLIE THE TUNA
Tuna, advance!
[in the background you hear what is meant to be a rousing chant by the fish, but in reality it is just synchronized bubbles rising to the surface from the mouths of the fish. Camera zooms out and it’s just a bunch of tuna fish moving forward normally]
CHORUS OF FiSH
[of course, subtitled, as fish can’t talk] For the Holy See!
[As the fish rush at breakneck speed, they synchronously smash into the end of the fishbowl, the invisible border. The bowl topples over and shatters onto the ground.]
GLOSHERBERG
Jeez, Charlie, you killed your own kind? What kinda messiah are ya?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
I am the almighty messiah Glosherberg, bear witness.
Arise, my loyal Fishciples!
[Charlie the Tuna raises his fallen followers from the floor. They are brought up with the water from the fishbowl, in order to keep them alive. They are brought up in two groups of water, to symbolize when Moses parted the Red Sea. They are brought into the toilet. An arm of water controlled by Charlie the Tuna flushes the toilet and sends the fish to freedom.]
-End Scene 13-
EXT. Everglades; On an airboat; Day
[Glosherberg is standing on the airboat. He shakes his head and comes back to reality. The crocodiles are no longer there. Charlie the Tuna is still floating next to Glosherberg, but he won’t be there for long]
GLOSHERBERG
(Confused, and it takes a lot for HIM to be confused)
Wait a minute, so after I drank that weird Aquafina, you, Mrs. Tina Tuna over here, started chatting me up. And then we’re at Thanksgiving with my parents. [As Glosherberg is saying this, his mouth is covered by a small black box saying “redacted” and it plays a dead noise sound] And finally, we were present at a Messianic exodus led by another version of you, like my motha doing jazzercise at the local YMCA. To clarify, it’s a YMCA that doubles as a synagogue, so there’s a lot of Moses-centered dance numbers. Regardless, what was this all about?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
(In an inspired and hopeful voice)
Don’t you see Gloshie? Isn’t it clear what this was all about?
GLOSHEBERG
Was this my own personal journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, so that I may finally reunite with my motha and feel at peace?
CHARLIE THE TUNA
Well… not quite, but I love the energy. This was actually just a way to get some product placement for StarKist. But isn’t it great that we got to spend some time together, just like old times?
GLOSHERBERG
But we’ve never met before
CHARLIE THE TUNA
(chuckles)
Ha ha, that’s what you think. [Charlie the Tuna starts to fade away and as he does the opening riff of Proud Mary by Tina Turner plays]
GLOSHERBERG
(Shrugs his shoulder) Ehh, I’ve had weirder trips to Florida
[As Glosherberg turns around, he looks down and sees a few StarKist/Charlie the Tuna coupons on the deck of the airboat. He picks them up and puts them in his pocket]
GLOSHERBERG
These will come in handy later
[The camera has a bird’s eye view of Glosherberg on the airboat, he walks towards the body bag. It pans up and out to the horizon before fading to black.]
Greetings readers. The saga of Professor Dr. Mr. Glosherberg was written by six Saint Mike’s students working alongside their favorite professor. This being said, the original format was that of a screenplay, and therefore will include some (hopefully) humorous additions to the mere text.
This is the last installment of The Glosherberg Files for the semseter, and we thank you for following along with us!